The vagaries of an experiential psychopath

March 22, 2008 § Leave a comment

Psychopath is stretching it a little. Maybe loony will cover the bases. I’m ten days away from being 23, I broke up with my second boyfriend and I have no clue what I’ll be doing in a year’s time. My friends are scattered about my life like lost notebooks and I suspect that they’re mostly just in my head. The real problem though is that I don’t have a reaction to any of this, except that of a faceless shrug. Its like there’s no point in dwelling on things that involve my emotions. Even better, my old paranoia of ending up alone in a small flat in the shit hole part of the city with plastic chairs seems truly possible.

At this point in my life, I see the possibility of anything. I’m living (not existing) on a very solid premise of anything goes. Post Google, post S, post my mad rush for a degree following a need to leave home, I feel exactly the same but in a different way. I rationalize it by the range of experiences these past events have given me. I’ve allowed myself to get fucked over. It used to drive me mad, but now its part of the game. Now its all part of some kind of yatra. There is yet that gospel I follow, I refuse to be bored.

A while ago, I saw the ballad of the sad cafe, which was uncannily spooky. A dark, Gothic drama, it came across as a tragic love story. The reviews say that the author of the book it was based on, meant it to be a statement on Love, not a judgement, thesis or theory.. just a statement. This part (relayed from the book verbatim by the priest in the movie) was a little unnerving:

Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep, secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can only cause him pain.

Unfortunate that she (Carson McCullers) got it so right… scary really. Love and loss aside…yesterday, after a lot of “drawing” on Corel, I gave in to decadent longings. I saw Sideways and Basketball Diaries into the wee hours of today. Extremely well made movies both of a similar yet of a different nature… of sorts. I say that a lot nowadays… maybe its just my compulsive need to tie things up together. Human tendency, no? There were words in both the movies that spark of something old and young. Like you put it in a jar to preserve, but it grew yellow and small instead. Lost or found? Its like that song of Neil Young’s “…words between the lines of age.” Descriptions of experiences. All there is to being a superior species I suppose.

It is only the experience that I can see justifying all this rushing about. And other times there is a little kid in my head asking, Is it over yet? What else though…


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